How to Pass a Company Drug Test

Dr. Worthington,

I was just recently informed that our company is starting to do drug testing and I love weed. I don’t do any hard drugs, but I need to relax because I’m hyper and it calms me down. The construction company I work for just sends a car with no advance notice, so I cannot make any contingency plans. Any ideas on how I can keep recreationally using marijuana and keep my job?


Well Cheech,

drug testing company marijuana leafMy first instinct would be to quit, but you seem pretty gung-ho about the whole thing, so here is what you do. Let’s say you’re number is called and the car shows up. Your boss informs you that it is here for you and you have to test.

Don’t act agitated, in fact, act enthusiastic and compliant. Then immediately get nude and loudly exclaim that you’re ready to take your drug test. Say it loudly enough so the whole yard can see that you’re nude. Then strut to the car.

The boss will do everything he or she can possibly do to make you stop. When they do this, just tell he or she that you “Want it to be known that you have no devices on you to cheat the system so you can get through this as fast as possible, so you can get back to my work”. Then continue to your car.

Now, depending on the company, they may fire you. Or, you can gamble and hope they admire your dedication to getting back to work as fast as possible. If they company car is a personal vehicle of somebody’s, they may not let you in. Stay steadfast in this approach and stick to your guns. If you make it past this point, don’t worry, the drug clinic will probably call the police and have you arrested for indecent exposure. Or decent exposure if you’re gifted down there. If you’re arrested, you still haven’t taken the test and this is the ultimate outcome.

Now if you do get fired and you love the stuff, maybe a career in the weed industry could be in the making. You could become a weedman, or whatever. I honestly don’t know enough about the industry to make career recommendations. You’ll sort it out.

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